The Crash Out Chronicles

After a month away, I'm finally back and ready to tell the truth. I ignored every red flag, convinced myself things could be different, and learned a hard lesson about heartbreak, accountability, and trusting my intuition. This episode is raw, honest, funny, and a reminder that sometimes choosing yourself is the hardest but most important decision you'll ever make.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:11

Tell me the right thing. Tell me the right thing.

unknown 0:19

Oh.

SPEAKER_01 0:22

Tell me the right thing. What's up, my beautiful people, and welcome back to another episode of This Isn't Day. Tell me the right thing. I know, I know. Before y'all even say it, like, girl, where have you been? Trust me, I know. Okay? And honestly, the first thing I want to do before we even get into anything else is apologize. Like, seriously, from the bottom of my heart, apologize. I truly am sorry, guys. I disappeared. And not just for a day and not just for a week, but an entire month. Okay. Countless opportunities to record. And I just disappeared. Like I entered some witness protection program or got recruited by the CIA or something. You know what I'm saying? And the reality, y'all, is much less exciting. I was just been out here being dumb. Okay. Now before anybody gets offended and y'all get to typing crazy shit in my reviews, I was just being dumb. Because sometimes we're all dumb. Okay. And baby, I was I was out here being the lead actress, executive, producer, costume designer, lighting crew, and stunt double in my own emotional disaster movie. I wasn't kidnapped. I wasn't stranded on an island. I wasn't fighting dragons. I was fighting common sense. Like common sense. But I kept I kept asking for rematches. Have y'all ever done that? Like, have y'all ever looked directly at a red flag and said, hmm, maybe it's burgundy. Or maybe it's actually green. You know, shit, hey. It's green to me. Because that's exactly what I did. Okay. And my mama used to tell me something growing up all the time. She used to say, when somebody shows you who they really are, just believe them. Simple, clear, direct, no confusion, no hidden meaning, no footnotes, no terms and conditions, no nothing. Just believe them. When somebody really shows you who they really are, believe them. And what did I do? I ignored every fucking word of that advice. Because apparently I thought I was smarter than the experience. I thought maybe this time would be different. I thought maybe if enough time had passed, maybe if we talked more, maybe if we became friends, maybe if the stars aligned, something would change. Spoil alert, nothing changed. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. And that's what this episode is about. The month I spent trying to revive a relationship that had already flatlined. The month I ignored every warning sign. The month I convinced myself that friendship with an ex was a brilliant idea. Can we talk about that for a second? Who told us being friends with your ex is easy? Because I would like names. Maybe some addresses or some references or something. Because some of us hear friends and immediately start acting like unpaid relationship interns. Talking every day, checking in, sending memes, listening to their problems, being emotionally available, you know? Meanwhile, they're out there living their life like they're starring in a completely different movie. And you're sitting there wondering why your chest hurts every time their name pops up on your phone. Baby. That's not friendship. That's emotional overtime. And the benefits package is terrible. I know some people generally be friends with their exes. And congratulations, I'm happy for y'all. Y'all are emotionally evolved. Y'all meditate or something or drink enough water or I don't know, probably fold fitted sheets correctly or something. I'm not currently accepting applications for that club. Because every time I tried being friends with my ex, my feelings showed up wearing fake glasses and a trench coat pretending they had left. When they hadn't, they were there. Still. Every conversation felt loaded, every text felt loaded, every interaction carried hope. And hope can be a dangerous thing. Very dangerous thing. When it attaches itself to the wrong person. You know what hope does? Hope turns obvious situations into scavenger hunts. Somebody ignores you for three days, hope says they're probably just busy. Somebody keeps lying, hope says they're probably scared. Somebody keeps disappointing you, hope says they're trying, girl. Meanwhile, reality is standing in the corner screaming, girl, get up. But hope has noise canceling headphones. And that's where I was. Living off hope, ignoring evidence and creating excuses. Maybe even building castles out of breadcrumbs. Oh no. Shit. Tell me I'm not the only one, please. Matter of fact, pause this episode and ask yourself, have you ever stayed long enough because of potential? Have you ever ignored facts because you liked the fantasy better? Have you ever convinced yourself somebody would become the person you needed them to be? Because if your answer was yes to any of those, welcome. Pull up a chair, get comfortable. We're all healing here. Okay? Now, while all of this was happening, life was still moving. Okay? I started my new job. I was trying to adjust to that, trying to balance motherhood, trying to create content, trying to keep everything together. And instead of pouring my energy into the things that were actually growing, I was pouring into something that was already dead. And you know what's funny? Sometimes we water dead plants longer than we water ourselves. And for a moment, that's exactly what I did. I kept pouring and pouring and pouring into something that had already stopped growing. Meanwhile, here we go again, things that deserved my attention were sitting right here waiting for me. This podcast included, my audience included, and for that y'all, I'm sorry, because y'all deserve consistency, y'all deserve the honesty, and y'all deserve better than disappearing without a word. So thank you. Okay? Thank you for your patience. Thank you for your support. Thank you for checking on me. And thank you for allowing me space to be a human. Because humaning has been hard lately, okay? But I'm back, and since we're here, I might as well tell y'all exactly how this whole thing blew up in my face. And trust me, the story gets worse. Much worse. Now I wish I could tell you this story started with clarity. Like I woke up one morning journaling my feelings and drinking some water, you know, and made a peaceful decision to walk away, but no, that's not what happened. What happened was a slow emotional spiral dressed up as optimism. You know, that stage after a breakup where you start negotiating with reality, where you're like, okay, maybe we don't have to be together together, maybe we can just be cool, you know? And then cool turns into texting, and texting turns into checking in, and checking in turns into why are you not replying like a man who loves me but is emotionally confused. That was me. Fully committed, unemployed in the Department of Good Decisions. Now let me be honest about something real quick. When you ignore the red flags long enough, they don't just disappear, they multiply. They start recruiting, they start bringing friends, they start setting up camp in your life, like they pay rent or something. Hello? And I was walking around acting like I didn't see a whole parade of warning signs. But I did. I saw them, I just didn't want to accept them. Because accepting them would mean accepting the truth. And the truth is is expensive when you've already invested your feelings. So instead of leaving, I stayed in this weird in-between space. Half healed, half hoping, half delusional. Yes, I said three times because that's how unstable it was. Now let's get into the part y'all really are waiting for. The day everything snapped. So I'm already emotionally overloaded at this point, okay? I'm trying to be cool, I'm trying to be unbothered, I'm trying to act like I'm not analyzing every interaction like a forensic crime scene. Meanwhile, my intuition is in the backseat screaming, turn around, turn around. But I just kept on driving, literally and emotionally. So I ended up pulling up to his house. Now, before anybody jumps to conclusions, let me just say this. I'm not in a calm, rational, let me just drop this off energy. No, this was more like a I need answers, and I also need to see what's going on with my own eyes because my imagination is already doing backflips. And let me tell you something about intuition. Intuition doesn't whisper because it's unsure, it whispers because it already knows. But I wasn't listening. So I got there and I saw what I saw, which was exactly what my intuition had been trying to warn me about for months. Same girl, same situation, same pattern, same disrespect, wrapped in different excuses. And in that moment, something in me shifted. And y'all, not in a cute I'm healing or I'm healed now kind of way. No, no, no, not at all. But in a everything I ignored just showed up in HD clarity type of way. It wasn't just about them, it was about every time I told myself it's not that deep. Every time I said he didn't mean it like that. Every time I convinced myself, maybe I'm overthinking. No, baby. I was underreacting to everything. In that realization, it hit me like a freight train with no fucking brakes. So now I'm standing there with emotions I can't even name properly: anger, hurt, embarrassment, shock, disappointment, and the worst one, self-betrayal. Because there's a special kind of pain that comes from realizing you ignored yourself. Now here's where I need to be real with y'all. What happened next is not something I'm proud of, not something I'm going to romanticize, and not something I'm going to dress up with music and aesthetic lighting. Okay. In that moment, I lost emotional control. And I put my hands on him. And I need to be very clear when I say this. I am not glorifying that, and I'm not excusing that. And I'm definitely not pressing that as a strength or presenting that as a strength. Okay. That was an emotional overflow. That was pain with no outlet, and it was really immaturity in real time. And I had to sit with that afterwards. Really sit with it. Because being hurt does not give you permission to hurt someone else. Even when you feel justified, even when you feel disrespected, and even when everything you everything in you is screaming, just do it. Okay? You still have to own your response. And I do. Okay? This is me owning it. Now let me tell you something else. That nobody else talks about. After moments like that, the silence kind of hits different. The dramatic kind, the very heavy kind. The kind where you replay everything in your head like a broken record. What did I just do? Why did I let it get here? Why didn't I just walk away sooner? And the truth I had to face was so uncomfortable. It was just. It was just uncomfortable. And it wasn't just about him. It was about ignoring myself for too long. It was about me abandoning my own boundaries and then being shocked when chaos walked right in. Because when you don't protect your peace, eventually you're forced to deal with the consequences of that. And I had that. I had to own that. All of it. Every part. So if you're listening right now, thinking I'm here to tell you he made me do it or look what he caused. No, that's not this story. This is the story about what happens when you ignore yourself for too long. And about emotional buildup with no release. Okay. Um, this is a story about like consequences and accountability and kind of learning the hard way that closure is not something you find at somebody else's house. Okay. And I wish I could tell you that that was the end of it, but it wasn't. Because what came after was even louder than what happened in that moment. And that's where things really started to shift. Now, if you made it this far into the episode with me, y'all, first of all, I appreciate you for not judging me too quickly and clicking off at the last little story I told you. Because girl, be serious. I went crazy. Because now I'm about to get to the part where I take everything that happened and actually sit with it. No distractions, no excuses, no rewinding the story to make myself look better, just the truth and growth. And a little bit of a wow, I really did that. Hmm. Alright. So let's be honest. This path this past month was not cute. It was not aesthetic. It was not a healing era or a montage with soft music and morning smoothies. Okay. It was messy, confusing, emotional, and at times completely avoidable. Because the real issue wasn't just the relationship. It wasn't it was me ignoring myself. The part I had to face. Not him, but me. Because when somebody shows you who they are and you keep trying to reinterpret it, you're not in love anymore. You're in negotiation with reality, like I mentioned before. And again, reality does not negotiate. It kind of just waits for you to catch up. So let's talk about the biggest lesson I had to learn the hard way. Closure is not a conversation. Closure is not pull-up. Closure is not finding answers. Closure is not one more talk. Closure is what happens when you finally stop going back to places that kept breaking you. And I learned that after I had already walked into a situation that reminded me exactly why I should have stayed gone, the truth was hard to accept. And there's a difference. Confusion makes you unsure. Attachment makes you ignore what you already know. And I knew. I knew the pattern, I knew the cycle, I knew the story. I just wanted a different ending. But you can't force a new ending with the same person who keeps giving you the same chapter. Hello. So let's get into something real real. Red flags. We love to joke about them until we're sitting in the middle of wondering how it got so chaotic. Red flags are not aesthetic. They are not quirks. They are not maybe I'm overreacting. They are information. And I ignored information because I wanted the potential. The potential will have you building castles and conversations that were never meant to become homes. So here's what I had to accept. Just because somebody has access to your heart does not mean they deserve to continue to access your life. Let's sit with that for a minute. Hello? Now I need to talk about something even more personal. Self-betrayal. That's what hurt worst. Self-betrayal. Not what he did, not what happened, but how long I stayed somewhere I had already outgrown emotionally. How long I ignored my intuition and how long I kept choosing hope over evidence because your intuition, again, doesn't scream, it taps you on the shoulder like, hey, you see this right here? And I kept brushing it off until life made me sit all the way down and pay attention. Now I want to say this clearly for anybody listening who needs it. You don't have to crash out to wake up, you don't have to reach your breaking point to choose yourself, and you don't have to wait until something explodes to realize it wasn't already stable. But simple doesn't always feel easy when your emotions are involved. Sometimes a lot of that sounds simple to just, you know, let go of, but it's not. So let me give you a this isn't that moment. This isn't chasing someone who keeps showing you they're not consistent. This isn't rewriting somebody's behavior into something kinder just because you miss them. This isn't calling confusion love because you don't want to sit with loneliness. This isn't abandoning yourself to keep access to someone else. This is about choosing clarity and peace and yourself. Hello? But what I am doing is becoming a better version of me. Okay? A much better version of me. So before I wrap this up, I just need to say this to my listeners directly. Thank you for sticking with me through the silence, for not giving up on this space, for allowing me to come back honest instead of polished. Because I don't take that lightly. And moving forward, I'm showing up differently, guys. Not perfect, not filtered, but at least present, okay? Because this space does deserve consistency, and so do you. And I'm not going to run from any of this again, okay? So here's my commitment. I'm back fully, honestly, and consistently. And to anyone listening who is in their own version of this story right now, I need you to hear me. If someone is showing you they can't love you right, believe them. Not because they're evil, not because you're broken, but because peace is not something you should have to beg for. Heartbreak is not the end of you. It's just a redirection. It can be a loud one sometimes, but still a redirection. And you will survive it. You will learn from it, and one day you'll look back and realize you didn't lose them, you lost a version of yourself that you outgrew. And that that's the real glow up. So this is, this isn't that. And I promise you, I'm not going back there again. If you made it to the end of this episode, I want you to do three things for me. Follow the podcast if you haven't already, leave a review and tell me what part hit you the most, and share this with somebody who needs a reminder that they are not crazy for wanting peace. Because somebody out there is holding on too long. And maybe this is the moment they finally let go. And I'll see you in the next episode. For real this time.